Jack, the king of France and a fledgling insult comic, held forth to the press on his favorite topic, the eclipse of America:

"I said then to Tony Blair, 'We have different positions on Iraq. Your position should at least have some use'. That is to try to obtain in exchange a relaunch of the peace process in the Middle East."

"Well, Britain gave its support but I did not see much in return," Chirac was quoted as saying in the Times. "I am not sure that it is in the nature of our American friends at the moment to return favors systematically."

As always Jack arrogated to France the job of expressing world opinion, which is uncannily coincident with French opinion, though sometimes not everyone understands it to be:

The French president's words came in direct contradiction to Tony Blair, who insisted last night that Europe needed to work with America and could help shape its policies. ... US policy was evolving fast, he suggested, and Europe should seize its chance to help shape its policies.

Asked if he [scil., Jack] would tell the prime minister that he had made a mistake in supporting the US, Mr Chirac said he would not, "firstly because I am polite, and secondly because I do not think he did".

Mr Chirac denied the meeting between the two leaders would be acrimonious. "When I go to Britain I go happy, I have no desire to argue," he said.

"I arrive, I ask after Leo, someone goes to get Leo, Leo starts saying 'Bonjour Monsieur Chirac' in French, I'm happy, and there we are.

"It's very curious, this vision of permanent confrontation. I have no confrontation with the English in general, or with Blair in particular."

Or so the sanitized reports present Mr. Chirac.

As the press conference wound down, in response to the question "which better described the precise diameter of the EU cocktail weenie, the fractional centimeter or the manifold millimeter?", Jack's eyes glazed over, his head swayed over the battery of microphones, his voice took on a dreamy tone -- and no one could stop him:

"And I said to Tony Blair, baise-moi, but you have taken it in the baba for America. And what could he say? I said then to Tony Blair, who is a close personal friend, baise-moi, but you are an ignorant smelly little Englishman. And what could he say? So I said to Tony Blair, who by the way is a monkey and has no tail, have you ever imagined me in crotchless panties with a whip astride the whole of a cowering America? And everyone crying, 'No, Mr. France!' and 'Please, Mr. France!' Ha, but Mr. France he is not in the mood, ha ha, and they must taste his whip! But what could he say to that? Cette vision française exquise ! So I took Tony Blair's soft English hand -- a small delicate thing I admit I feared to crush in my Gargantuan mitt -- and held Tony Blair's soft English hand to my ruddy French jowl. I said then to Tony Blair, baise-moi, what does America have that your big French daddy lacks? And Tony Blair with no love for France said, 'Les coucougnettes, M. Président.' And he rose and Tony Blair he left the table. And he left the Lounge Pompadour, but Tony Blair did not stop. He left the Palais de l'Elysée, then Paris also. And finally Tony Blair he left France altogether. But I was still clutching his soft English hand. But it was not Tony Blair's hand I held but his serving of blancmange, which I had smeared into my cheek. And, gentlemen, I tell you I wept. I wept for France -- as I always do. And I wept for Tony Blair who had no dessert."

Mr. Chirac then reprised his tears and the press conference was hurriedly concluded.

And Chirac continues to labour under the illusion that he's an honest broker - sheesh. He's a pimp for the poster children of the french industries which export.

Arms mainly, I might add.

but you are an ignorant smelly little Englishman..

Too funny..kudos. That's as good as anthing I've read in the Onion

Oh, Damian.

Is your French improving or WHAT!

All kidding aside, you could see how pleased Blair was at Jack's visit. Poor Tony looked like he'd rather be anywhere else but with the Roi Jack...

The things you have to do to be PM...